Thoughts on Perfectionism

I shared the following story in class this week, dedicated to all the perfectionists we have amongst us.

A monk was tendering the garden making it perfect. Japanese gardens are always just so. They have perfectly raked sand and pots in just the right spot. When the master arrived the monk said that he had tried to make it perfect but something just wasn’t right. The master looked down at the pile of leaves the monk had swept up. He picked up the leaves and threw them over the garden, smiled and walked away.

Ben, a student at the London school, emailed me afterwards with these thoughts. I thought it was so lovely I wanted to share it. (Permission was given for me to use this quote)

(The Lecture) reminds me of a thought I had on that, that stems from Ki seminars and other comments you've made about the illusion of permanence. That striving for a state of perfection is like holding ice in your hands. No state is fixed forever. Ice melts to water, just as leaves and flowers in a garden grow then fall to the ground, only to grow and fall again. Such is the cycle of life. Each of us and everything is here today and gone tomorrow. An appreciation of impermanence can free us to see things as they are. We remove the lens and reveal the truth. Which is all great in theory! But a better aim to strive for at least.

Practicing what we're bad at.

I had a student about 4 years ago who complained to me that people were advancing ahead of him and that I wasn't teaching him any new skills.

To some degree this was actually true; he had reached a bit of a plateau in my opinion (as we all sometimes do) and I felt his heart wasn’t totally in it. I could see him getting frustrated with others and a little angry at me. He saw his situation as my fault, something I was 'doing' to him. After a few months, he eventually quit at brown belt (intermediate) level.

I’m sorry that he left, but I saw two main problems which were stopping him advancing.

Firstly, he blamed his age for not being able to do skills. Of course age is a factor, but attitude beats age every time. Actually, it was less that he was old, and more that others were younger than him that was his issue. We do ourselves incredible harm when we make comparisons with other students who we think are younger, better or more talented than us. All this does is hurt our self confidence because others are placed on some unachievable pedestal. I don’t need to be the best. But I want (not need) to be the best that I can be. Instead of making comparisons with others we should look at ourselves, and our own progression.

Secondly, and most importantly, despite my nagging he never practised what he was bad at, those things that didn’t come as easy to him. Practising what we excel at is obviously enjoyable, but it doesn't necessarily mean we'll improve overall. Through the years, my struggle with my own Hapkido practice has taught me great determination, patience and perseverance. Struggling to fall properly, perform a spin kick, do anything that involved jumping, developing confidence when sparring, building a school and being a confident instructor, have all had their challenges for me. When we overcome what we find difficult then we not only improve physically but we also bolster our self-esteem. Sometimes it can feel like you are not making any progress, but then all of a sudden those neural pathways light up and everything ‘clicks’.

What have been your struggles? or what/how have you overcome?

Confidence

Myself and a few students visited our main school in Chicago last month. At one of the early morning Ki Classes Master Chang spoke of confidence. He said that essentially a lack of confidence impacts human beings in three main ways: emotional, intellectual and motivational impairment. When we lack confidence then, we can feel depressed, stuck and helpless; we can also start developing physical ailments. So, having confidence is important to our general well being.

'Confidence', he said, 'comes from a belief that you are in control of what you do, your life'. 'To develop confidence', he continued, 'we need to do those things that we enjoy and are good at. If we don't know what they are we need to be bold, exploring new things until we find them.'

He often talks about the need to take responsibility for ourselves. When we feel confident and in control of our own lives then we can fully express our human potential; then we are no longer blocked.

Who is the bow for?

Most of the time, when I enter the gym, I will look directly at the students who have congregated outside the studio. Naturally they bow, “hello Saboumnim”.

Occasionally I will overt my eyes. My peripheral vision sometimes allows me to see their response. Sometimes I see a student who is ready to bow, but then stops himself when he realises I’m not looking.

To me, this shows that the student has totally misunderstood why he must bow.

Who is the bow for? It is not for me.

The bow, calling your instructor “sir”, and the many other etiquette or discipline related things we do, is a way of training our own minds.

When you bow you must empty your mind; it means let go, be totally present.

Whether I see you or not should make no difference to your own mental training.

These ARE your skills!

Boxers have about 6 punches - but they practice and practice and practice. The difference in skill between Amir Khan and John Doe is obvious… but 6 punches, that’s it.

I heard a great response recently…
One instructor overheard his students talking, “When will I get to practice MY skills?” one said.
“We are always doing white and yellow belts skills, helping lower belts”.
The instructor responded: “These ARE your skills”.

Sometimes students ask for more techniques … or they say, “When can I learn the next thing? Or be the next rank?”

But now is the time to become excellent at the basics – it’s not about learning new skills.

Sometimes a student can focus so much on getting to this ‘other’ place that they actually forget where they are at – right now.

We must be proficient in ALL the techniques. The better we become at the basics, the better we become as a whole… remember the boxer who has just 6 strikes.

Learning new skills will not make you the Black Belt you want to be; doing what you know well – really well… that’s the only way.

So, don’t worry about getting somewhere else, or being anything than just what is needed today…

What is the expression?!?!...take care of today, and everything else sorts itself out…

Or as Master Chang always says – “Excellence is not an act – it is a habit”.

Training with Heart

A new student shared this story with me last week:

In a Japanese hospital in a small village, one old lady used to chant hymns for speedy recovery of patients. She used to sit near every patient and chant. Patient's used to actually recover faster. One day a scholar visited the hospital. He realized that what she was chanting had incorrect pronunciations and some incorrect words. He told her to correct herself. She corrected herself but soon they realized that patient's were not recovering like earlier. She forgot about the scholar’s advice and started chanting her usual way once again. The moral of the story was: When you do something with complete heart, mind and honesty, it works.

You know, I talk to Master Chang a lot about student’s progression. He asks me about certain students – particularly those at Black Belt level or close to Black Belt testing. He has NEVER asked me, “Is their side kick any good?” or “How is their number 3 skill?”

The most common question he has asked me is, “Justin….does he do his best?”

To me, this is a little similar to the story above. I don’t mean to imply that physical proficiency is not important; but how much we invest, how much heart or ki we put in to our training is equally, or even perhaps more important. This attitude tells much more about the individual and how they approach the rest of their life.

Why must I accept with two hands?

As the Rank Test results arrived at the weekend, I have spent the week handing out new belts. It’s so wonderful to see all the new colours…

Before conducting the presentations I always explain the process: When your name is called, answer loudly and step forward. Accept the belt and certificate with both hands and bow. Turn and bow to the class. Wait until all belts have been handed out until changing yours.

“But why must I accept with two hands?”

Simple, aside from it being general etiquette, in many ways this simple act represents everything that we are trying to attain within our training. By accepting with two hands I invest one hundred percent of myself into this simple act. I am mindful. My power is concentrated. I am totally present.